Being a data nerd sometimes leads me to change my habits in significant ways. One day, I was glancing at my data-driven diary, and noticed I was drinking a beer or two with dinner, which seemed innocent enough. The problem was that this had been going on for 20 days straight. Whether I was out with friends or at home alone, I was using alcohol to relax in the evening and deal with the discomforts of life.
I didn’t feel the need to stop drinking forever, but I was curious about experimenting with a break from drinking. I started a no drinking experiment in order to:
- Find better ways to cope with stress and uncomfortable social situations
- Seek more restful sleep
- Reconnect with myself and sit with the discomfort that I had been using alcohol to mask (sort of like a fast)
What Happened: The First Two Weeks
My sleep was noticeably improved. I could sleep longer, didn’t wake up as much in the middle of the night, and woke up well-rested. I had vivid dreams as my REM sleep reset to normal levels (some of these dreams were quite disturbing but things settled down after the first few days).
I felt more stress at work (and stronger emotions in general), which led to me choosing to spend more time doing yoga and meditation as a transition into my evening activities. I also noticed that the normal level of caffeine I was drinking (two cups of coffee, one tea) was suddenly too much for me, exacerbating work stress, so I decreased to one cup of coffee. Things felt overwhelming for a few days, but I slowly adjusted to it. I became noticeably hungrier, and had cravings for sugar. I imagine these sugar cravings were partially what I had been filling with alcohol in the past. Instead, I made myself healthy desserts like berries and cream.
I felt myself digging deeper for meaning in my day-to-day interactions, spending more time in a mindful state and less in autopilot. This was both at work and in the evenings and weekends. I started noticing times in the day where my energy felt strong, and other times when it was depleted, and the causal relationship behind this. I spent more time alone, checked my phone less, and spent more time doing what makes me happy in my free time.
What Happened: Sober Firsts
The Company Party
By default, I would drink at company parties. This started when I worked in consulting, where drinking was a big part of the company culture. The sensory overload of being around all my coworkers and making small talk all night felt draining as an introvert, and alcohol played an important role in helping me relax. Or so I thought. This company party, I arrived in my best cocktail attire, and drank lime and sodas all night.
It was interesting noticing my impulse to take a sip of my lime and soda, as if it would put me at ease. Instead of trying to make small talk, I had several deep conversations with coworkers I wanted to catch up with. And I enjoyed the music, and even danced a little. It was refreshing, and a better experience than I remember having at past company events where I would drink my discomfort away.
And the best part? I woke up the next morning feeling great, which was convenient as I had been tasked with facilitating a group discussion.
The First Date
Before this experiment, I would often have a first date at a wine or cocktail bar. It was an easy way to loosen up and get to know the other person. Since my no drinking experiment, I let my potential dates know I was not drinking, and have gotten mostly positive feedback. The few times I got a negative response, I considered it a sign that the person wasn’t a good match for me, or that they potentially had a drinking problem.
If we met for dinner, I wanted my date to feel comfortable, so I would let her know that I was fine with her having a drink. Sometimes, she would have one, other times, we’d both be sober. While I initially had fears around what my date would think if I didn’t drink, I found that these were unfounded. As long as we were having a good time together and getting to know each other better, that’s ultimately what mattered.
What Happened: Three Months Later
I started this experiment thinking I’d stick to not drinking for a month. It has been three months now, and the lines are beginning to blur between “experiment” and “lifestyle choice.” I still have beer in my fridge and wine in my cabinet. It’s waiting there if I want it. But right now, I don’t.
The biggest shift I’ve noticed is that I deal with problems that arise in my life in a healthier way:
- Getting out of my head and into my body: Before, I might come home from work, make dinner, and watch Netflix with a beer. Now, I get home, get changed, and go to yoga. In general, I’m more active, whether that be cycling, hiking, yoga, or exploring the city by foot. I choose something that gets me out of my head and into my body.
- Trying natural supplements for stress: I’ve been experimenting with 100mg of rhodiola in the morning. This seems to give me energy and reduces stress. I also often pair my morning coffee with l-theanine, which produces a calming energy similar to what you get when you drink green tea or matcha. And with dinner, I’ll take magnesium, which is a natural relaxer.
- Taking responsibility for my circumstances: Instead of masking problems in my life by dulling my senses with a drink, I try to get to the root cause of them. This might mean saying “no” to more things at work or in my social life, to truly appreciate the things I say “yes” to.
Further Reading
To prepare for my no drinking experiment, I read Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington. Warrington’s book is both entertaining and informative. She dispels myths about non-drinking being no fun (she calls this FOMA: Fear of Missing Alcohol), while offering ideas on living an amazing life without alcohol.
Here are some of my favorite passages from it:
On being present
The alcohol problem I have since identified in myself was that booze was preventing me from being fully present in my life. By which I mean, it was preventing me from knowing, in each and every moment of each and every day, what it really felt like to be ME—a “problem,” since it’s only from this place of knowing, of presence, that I can truly choose which decisions to make and which next actions to take in service of my own highest good—in order to create a life that feels meaningful to me.
On drinking consciously, and asking yourself why you choose to drink
The farther I leaned into my Sober Curiosity, each time I drank became a mindful and fully conscious choice—one I often entered into as an experiment of sorts. An experiment designed to answer yet more questions: How will this drink make me feel? Will it enhance the situation or detract from it? What are all the reasons—emotional, social, physical—I’m choosing to drink?
As you begin experimenting with longer and longer periods of abstinence, try to develop an interest in the specific situations where FOMA (Fear of Missing Alcohol) kicks in for you. On the other side of the knee-jerk response to reach for a drink, this is valuable insight into all the reasons you use booze: aka Sober Curious gold.
Getting comfortable with discomfort
Sitting in the WTF, watching it pass, and then choosing to focus on the positive parts of the experience is the physical part (and the mental workout) of your beginning to create new neural pathways. And this is really how you change your drinking habits. I call it “getting comfortable with being uncomfortable”—a life hack that can benefit you in so, so many ways.
If you hate your job, the “escape” of Friday night drinks means you have to endure only five days of misery at a time. You’ll quit that job and do something more interesting with your life way faster if there’s no get-out-of-jail-free card waiting at the end of the week.
Sobriety and relationships
“When sobriety enters a relationship and that artificial lubrication is gone, rough spots become more apparent. It’s harder to hide. Many people find they are not as compatible or attracted or tolerant.” But on the flip side, “if the sobriety is approached in a conscious way,” Wagner maintains, “a whole new level of intimacy can be opened. Hearts are uncovered. Revelations and ‘deep insights’ are legitimate and longer lasting.” Yes, friends, just when this whole “sober relationships” thing was beginning to look like it might be all uphill, I bring you hope. Which doesn’t mean it won’t also take plenty of work—not least on your relationship with number one (yes, YOU).
Getting high off your own supply
The irrepressible feelings of joy behind this kidlike behavior, which would also sometimes spill out as fits of uncontrollable laughter, usually kicked in only after at least three weeks of being booze-free—as if that’s how long it took for the dregs of my last “drunk” to completely leave my system.
“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask you one of four questions: When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?” Arrien calls these the “four universal healing salves.”
“When [a person has] organized their life around a substance in such a way that the only time they have fun is when they’re engaged with that substance . . . when the substance goes away, at first one might think, ‘Oh my god. The party’s over.’ But the party’s not over at all. The party’s just beginning, but in a different way than what you’re used to.”
Key Takeaways
- Doing your own no drinking experiment can lead to:
- Noticeably improved sleep
- Learning new ways to cope with stress (e.g. yoga, meditation)
- Digging deeper for meaning in your day-to-day interactions and relationships
- My big takeaways after three months of no drinking:
- I spend my time in the evenings a lot differently: Since I stopped drinking, I spend a lot more time doing yoga and meditation. More reading. Less Netflixing.
- I found natural supplements to help me deal with the stresses of life in a healthy way: I use rhodiola, l-theanine, and magnesium, as ways to reduce my stress and give me a healthy source of energy (along with a healthy diet of whole foods).
- I learned to take responsibility for my circumstances: I started getting to the root cause of my problems, versus dulling my senses to deal with the realities of life.
